The Commandments of FE in excerpts of 10
by BMKuro
Summary: Change of title, it's still the 10 commandments. I'm back, and I give you...CHAPTER 19: Siblings!
1. Chapter 1: General

Disclaimer: I don't own FE and whatever

Doing this because I am VERY bored.

**THE 10 COMMANDMENTS OF FIRE EMBLEM**

**

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Thou shalt only use thy Jeigans as meatshields and target softeners. **

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Thou shalt draw 'excellent' pictures of all skimpily and not so skimpily dressed females, unless they are old or kids. 

**

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Thou shalt never give redheads the Durandal for it only shows the world what wussies they are.**

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Thou shalt not stab people with thy Wo Dao. 

**

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Thou mayest only slash them to bite sized pieces with said weapon.**

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Thou shalt not have incestuous relationships unless thine sibling is thine twin, and unless thine sibling have the same colored hair as thee. 

**

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Thou shalt not wield weapons that are too 1337 for thee to use, for they shalt burn a whole in thine inventory screen.**

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Thou shalt respect thine elders. Except Marcus. And Merlinus. And Athos. And Bartre. And Niime. And Yodel. And etc...etc... 

**

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Thou shalt smite the sinners that do not believe in the might of thine tactician, by means of stabbing, slicing, burning, more stabbing, beheading, lightning-striking, flux-ing, blessing, and even more stabbing. With toothpicks.**

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Thou shalt not have a relationship with more than one person. Unless thy name is Roy.

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**Note: 'excellent' may also translate to: naked, revealing, and artistic**

**R&R! **


	2. Chapter 2: Blazing sword

Disclaimer: I don't own FE and whatever.

The following statements, you know who I'm addressing them to.

A one shot? Hell no.

And I'm really, REALLY bored.

Sorry about the Roy pimp thing.

Jeigans as rescuers? Hmm...They become so horribly pwned when they 'rescue'. Especially in hard mode.

Neways, most of my fics will be on hiatus now. If you cared.

**

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THE 10 COMMANDMENTS OF FE7: BLAZING SWORD**

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**Thou MUST ph34r with utmost FEAR, the pink-haired devil. And call her Lady Terror Queen Serra. Or her staff will smack you silly.**

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Thou shalt use only thine Jeigan as thine delivery boy and meatshield. Otherwise, thine army will become garbage. (I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH FOR THE N00BS) 

**

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Thou shalt be careful when choosing thine wife; a dragon, a peg knight, or a Sacaean noblewoman, for if one is chosen, the other 2 will destroy your life.**

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Thou shalt only slay thine dragon lover with a sword that is hundreds of years old, 4.5 feet long, weighs 50 kg, and only when thou art no longer a total wuss. 

**

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Thou shalt think carefully the next time thou makest a pair of 1337 swords, or one will be too weak and light, and the other too large to even lift off the ground. (I'm talking to you, you crazy Sacaean retards. Or whoever made the Katti's.)**

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Thou shalt not be stronger than a psychotic Sacaean swordsman, or he shalt cut thee down with his red shiny Wo Dao where you stand. Unless his sister is dead. 

**

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Thou must be angsty, suicidal, and depressed even when a hot blue-haired female paladin wants (to get in) you(r pants) after losing your boss.**

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Thou MUST think before choosing a client to escort when thou art a bodyguard for hire, else thou might end up with a pink-haired devil. 

**

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Thou shalt NEVER call a (female looking) monk a woman, for the consequences WILL be dire. (like you getting smote/BBQ-ed/castrated by an explosion of bright painful light)**

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Thou shalt give the dead bodies of thine dead enemies to thine tactician, who shalt collect their SOULS for demonic purposes. (Um, that wasn't supposed to be on here...Wait, this is INTERNET STONE? DAMMIT!) 

**

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Please R&R!**


	3. Chapter 3: Sacred Stones

Disclaimer: I don't own FE and whatever. JOIN THE DARK SIDE.

**JOIN THE DARK SIDE.**

**

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THE 10 COMMANDMENTS OF FE8: SACRED STONES**

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Thou must be truly a courageous, powerful, cool-headed, intelligent, and kickass lord before you can attempt to storm a castle filled with enemies that have a ratio of 8 to 1, them to your men. And your 'forces' include a hippie, the hippie's best friend, and a traitorous necrophiliac of a Jeigan.

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Thou must choose to either be controlled by: generic overpowering evil overlord 15789 when God favors the hot light blue haired chick, or generic manipulative evil overlord 142 when God favors said kickass lord of the first commandment who happens to be said hot chick's twin brother. It doesn't really matter either way, because you'll get your ass handed to you on a silver platter either way. By shiny, sharp, and pointy stuff.

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Thou must choose between the neutral or dark side of magic when thou art powerful enough JOIN THE DARK SIDE, but be careful JOIN THE DARK SIDE, for becoming a JOIN THE DARK SIDE shaman will maketh thee JOIN THE DARK SIDE wear very ugly robes.

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Thou must be a master of the way of the cocky bastard, brother of an elite Pegasus knight, prince and future king of a nation, a master of archery and...smart stuff, before thou can even call thyself worthy of being the rival of said kickass lord in the first commandment.

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Thou must fear the ever-changing shapes of the swords, axes, and lances thy wieldeth. For example, the Audhulma will look very stupid and weak and dinky in the hands of a rogue, assassin, or swordmaster. However, in the hands of a general, IT'S A FRIKKIN BUSTER SWORD!

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Thou shalt call thyself a prodigy when thou hast a photographic memory, 1337 magic and luck, unbelievable cockiness and weirdness, a craving for knowledge, no sense of fashion, and the willingness to try out anything to find out what it feels/looks/etc like. Ross, Artur, Kyle, HINT, HINT, NUDGE, NUDGE.

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Thou shalt stay in thy castle in the event of an unexpected emergency siege by a recently peaceful and quiet nation to negotiate with said nation's leaders while you let your children run free to do stuff. And after that, you get annihilated for being stupid.

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Thou shalt, in case the above DOES happen, unlikely as it is, have an emergency plan for the above situation. It shall involve your kickass lord of a son being already out in the wild, kicking ass, and your hot short-skirt wearing chick of a daughter stuck in the castle with you, only to get rescued by the 1337est Jeigan to ever exist anywhere.

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Thou shalt make sure that your wife is REALLY your wife, not just some cheap, yet VERY realistic, imitation sex toy. Necrophilliac traitorous Jeigan, I'm talking to you.

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Thou shalt never gamble with those on the side of good, especially if thou hast horrible luck, an awesome hat, and art the prince of a mercenary nation. Simply because thou shalt always lose.

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**MUAHAHAHAHAHA. JOIN THE DARK SIDE. YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO.**

**R&R!**


	4. Chapter 4: Sealed Sword

Disclaimer: I don't own FE and stuff

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To LaoWhoMai: Read my other humor fic called What Idiots Are Made Of; the chapter regarding Marcus has an explanation. But if you're too lazy to do a few clicks, Jeigan, as in the character, is a prepromote from one of the earliest FE's. He comes in at the very first chapter with your lord, and has uberly good stats, but terrible growth rates. Not only that, he hogs EXP that's meant for your weaker units in the earlier chapters. Jeigan is usually only used as a meatshield, target softener, and rescuer in the earlier chapters when most of your characters are wimps. 'Jeigans' are called that because they have the same attributes (stats and growth rates are different, but very similar) as the original Jeigan. Seth, from Sacred Stones, is like a half-Jeigan; his starting stats are mediocre, but his growth rates rock, although he does come in at the prologue. Marcus is probably the most well known Jeigan in North America; correct me if I'm wrong. 

To Etsuko Nino: Serra...NOT THAT BAD? What are you on? Can I have some of what you're on?

**

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THE 10 COMMANDMENTS OF FE 6: SEALED SWORD**

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**Thou shalt dodge/survive 1900 attacks attempted towards your supply caravan in order to make thee have uber blackmarketing skillz. And make the huge ass thing somehow untouchable.**

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Thou shalt make sure, when looking for a new career, that thine teacher isn't a retarded excuse of a merchant/pirate, nor can she be a slutty little dancer. For both shalt make thee look very idiotic.

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**Thou shalt be careful with thine new recruits that have the 'Nino' syndrome (Wendy, Lilina, Sophia), for they shalt suck horribly in battle until trained properly, and will make thee restart thine game hundreds of times when they die. And yes, we have seen this happen.  
**

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Thou must be a redheaded pyromaniac in order to use the greatest weapon to ever grace the face of the earth and totally molest the final boss, in 2 swings.

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**Thou shalt fear the almighty (fat feathered turkey) of a(n underaged) dragon that is _FAZILLA!_**

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Thou shalt never send thine retards, generals, and possibly every other existing melee unit into the range of a berserk spell. That's Lilina's and Sophia's job.

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**Thou must NEVER, EVER, EVER, marry a prepromoted paladin of Ilia, especially if you both met on the battlefield, and especially if thou hast 2 younger sisters, and especially if thou hast PURPLE HAIR!**

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Thou shalt never return that purple haired idiot's Resire tome if thou art the evil twin brother of some naïve idiot. Especially if the purple haired idiot has an insane hermit of a granny, and SERIOUSLY, don't even think about it, if that Resire tome is actually hers. It's more fun to watch the idiot get pummeled by an old woman's heal staff.

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**Thou shalt stay away from thine seemingly civilized father, who in fact was a total retard in the past, for if thou art a teenager, he shalt make thee very embarrassed. And REALLY try to avoid a meeting between thee, him, and thine Ilian cavalier boyfriend. For the results won't be pretty.**

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Thou shalt give up thine desire for blood, only to show the world thine more 'Yoda'-ish side. Just without the Jedi skills. But, on the other hand, thou CAN show the world thine uber Wo Dao skills. Just make sure not to stab with it, for then the laws of FE physics shall be broken and thine universe shall collapse.

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**R&R!**


	5. Chapter 5: Ultimate Weapon Creation

Disclaimer: I don't own FE and whatever

**

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THE 10 COMMANDMENTS OF ULTIMATE WEAPON CREATING**

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Thou shalt name thine weapons with cool, powerful, and ancient sounding words like "Aureola" and "Garm." Of course, having a name to attract them crazy pyromaniacs out there helps too. That's where Forblaze comes into play.

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Thou shalt make weapons specifically made for the main lords of the game, and they must be ridiculously huge and heavy if those lords are knight and blade lords.

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Thou shalt make the Durandal a one-handed sword that is 5 feet long, 50kg, and shiny all over, and mainly used for stabbing if thou art a Knight Lord. Stabbity stab stab. NOT, I repeat, NOT, like a Wo Dao.

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Thou shalt make sure to make thine weapons ridiculously powerful when giving them stat addition bonuses. Like Garm with its plus 5 speed. That's like giving a tortoise rocket powered roller blades.

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Thou must make thine weapons have that little cool anime style blade gleam flash before its might is unleashed upon thine world.

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Thou must create lots of sacred weapons, each with a farfetched backstory, and guarded by either a ridiculously overpowered idiot or completely incompetent lackey.

* * *

Thou shalt complete thine mission under a few days' time in order to be able to collect thine legendary heroes' weapons for no reason other than that the weapon somehow magically doesn't exist any longer if thou took a day longer to complete thine mission. Except, of course, the Sealed Sword.

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Thou shalt make sure that said sword is so godly that it can totally molest everything in its path. Simply because it is that uber. Also make sure that said sword is made especially for pyromaniacs.

* * *

Thou shalt make thine weapons 'holy', or somehow have non-human contact recognition system that makes them kill non-human stuff harder.

* * *

Thou shalt always make an unbelievably powerful healing staff that heals everything on the field, but with very low durability. And don't forget its bashing potential; Natasha and Latona can take out everything if she just used it to whack everything.

* * *

Hmm...I gotta admit, this one wasn't that good; didn't have much inspiration. 

**R&R!**


	6. Chapter 6: Critical Attacking

Disclaimer: I don't own FE and whatever

**

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THE 10 COMMANDMENTS OF CRITICAL ATTACKING**

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**Thou shalt jump away from thine side of the screen, breaking the fourth wall and all laws of logic and reasoning, thus causing thee to move so quickly, thou art invisible. Then, thou shalt keep that speed for about 5 seconds as thou slices thine target into itsy bitsy bite sized pieces. (swordmasters)**

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Thou must gallop on thine horse at a maddening speed, yet stay on the same spot for 6 seconds until thou has attacked. (paladin)

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**Thou shalt be able to toss thine shield 10 feet right above thine opponent's head, catch it in midair at high speeds, and strike down stylishly at an even higher speed. (hero)**

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Thou must be able to make thine horse jump very high and only a short distance, without any running starts, while carrying a 100 kg sword on one hand, and hitting stuff with it. (Eliwood)

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**Thou must wave thine hands madly like an idiot, but actually forming a pattern with it, while walking backwards, and while thine hands are crackling with electricity. (sage)**

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Thou must swing thine axe and pose for 1 second in such a way that says, "I'm gonna hit you hard, so it's best that you don't move if you want this as quick and painless as possible" (journeyman)

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**Thou shalt fly into the background and foreground, thus again breaking the laws of in game physics, that thou shalt confuse thine opponent into not moving as thou impale him with thine lance/sword after circling the screen 3 dimensionally twice. (all flyers, I think)**

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Thou shalt split into 3 images of thyself, thus giving thine enemy a better view of thine sexy legs. (Lyn)

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**Thou shalt break dance. The world has yet to see the breaking power of the dance.**

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Thou shalt only critical attack those enemies with terrible luck (almost all of them). 

**

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MUAHAHAHA! SUGAR IS GOOD!  
**

**R&R!**


	7. Chapter 7: Trainees

Disclaimer: I don't own FE and whatever

Sorry, but it was hard to find material to make fun of...but, now, I present you...TRAINEES!

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THE 10 COMMANDMENTS OF TRAINEES**

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Thou shalt always be a weak, innocent looking child when you join the army of badasses that will turn into a badass JOIN THE DARK SIDE thyself. **

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Thou shalt be ready for any form of ridicule, especially from retarded prodigies. But to avoid any ridicule, do not proudly say your dad's name in front of yours as if he's really famous. 

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Thou shalt JOIN THE DARK SIDE join the dark side in spite of your mentor simply because he is an ass-kissing hippie.**

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Thine arms shalt be so puny that thou shalt have trouble even holding up a steel lance/ axe. And thou will get double attacked by those zombie enemies if thou trieth to attack one. Isn't that just sad? 

**

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Thou shalt be as lucky as a rabbit. (uber luck growth on all of them...Joshua could use that for his poor gambling skillz)**

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Though thine body is tiny, thou shalt not look so on the battlefield, especially if thou hath chosen the path of general, warrior, and JOIN THE DARK SIDE summoner. 

**

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Thou shalt be so inexperienced with a lance, that thou must run and dive forwards with the lance to hit any harder that thou usually does.**

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Thou shalt have a hot dancer for a sister that will do 'favors' for thee when thou art bored. 

**

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Thou shalt surprise that cute little recruit by jumping her from behind to see under her short skirt. Ewan, you dirty little pervert. JOIN THE DARK SIDE.**

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Thou shalt be Michael Jackson's next target if thou art a pupil or journeyman. THE DARK SIDE FEARS THE MICHAEL JACKSON. JOIN US AND DESTROY IT. 

**

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R&R!**

**Next up: Flyers? Or Dark users...hmm... **


	8. Chapter 8: Flyers

Disclaimer: I don't own FE and whatever

**

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THE 10 COMMANDMENTS OF FLYERS**

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Thou shalt always have 3 pegasus knights join thine army; one of them may be promoted, but no less than 3, in any universe except Eliwood's. (Who's too poor to afford Farina)  
**

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Thou shalt be always be a red sprite wyvern rider until thou has chosen to ditch thine loser friends to join the good fight. 

**

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Th0u 5h4lt ph34r _ARCHERS_ w1th 6r34t ph34r. **

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Thou shalt always be nearly impossible to hit when thou has achieved the status of Falcoknight or Wyvern Knight. 

**

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Thou shalt choose whether to ditch that other type of wyvern for an upgraded Pegasus, or let that wyvern eat thine Pegasus when promoting.**

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Thou shalt at have at least one sister in the army thou would be joining in if thou art a Pegasus knight. 

**

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Thou shalt never marry a paladin of Ilia, for in the case of an emergency, all that sex would have left thee too weak to fight. (Yuuno equals worthless dead peggy knight)  
**

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Thou shalt always have at least one Pegasus knight fall for the main male lead just in case he decides to ditch that dragon girl/other princess/sister/nomad. 

**

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Thou shalt strike ph34r into the hearts of thine enemies by appearing as a boss with the legendary 'UBER SPEAR', short blonde hair, and a scarred face to make thyself look like a drag queen, even though thou really art a woman. (sees Vaida) (shudders)**

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Thou shalt remember to feed thine wyvern with WYVERN FOOD, not PEGASUS FOOD, so that it shalt not turn into that mutated dragon wyvern knights use. 

**

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R&R!**

**MUAHAHAHAHA!**

Definitely wasn't short on material on this one.


	9. Chapter 9: Male leads

Disclaimer: I don't own FE and whatever

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THE 10 COMMANDMENTS OF BEING A MAIN MALE LEAD**

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**Thou MUST be a prince of a powerful nation, preferably with a very powerful father that can own you with a flick of his wrist (until thou hast arena abused) and/or a hot momma. Or at least a badass sibling.**

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Thou must have many different spouse possibilities; in some cases, when girls are in short supply, thou may look towards thine own sister. (Ephraim, I'm talking to you)

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**Thine class MUST be Lord. Duh.**

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Thou shalt be a total wuss if thou useth a sword and thine only weapon is a flimsy little toothpick called a "Rapier".

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**Thou wilt obtain a legendary weapon so powerful, with a name so ridiculous, a history that even politicians couldn't even fathom, and an anime flash so cool before thy beginst thine attack animation.**

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Thou shalt weaken with age and beard growth if thou were a badass in the previous battle against evil, and even thine fragile mage daughter can own thee with a flick of HER wrist. (Hi thar Hector)

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**Thou shalt have a pimp of a son who will own thine 50 kg sword with HIS 50 kg sword, simply because his is on fire.**

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Thou shalt lose thine virginity at the end of the game no matter how sucky thou art for the sake of the plot. There are no exceptions. (Hello Ephraim and Eirika)

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**Thou shalt 'grow' a horse from out of nowhere when thou promotes.**

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Thou will go emo on thine dragon girlfriend with thine 50 kg sword because thou art badass with it. There is still hope that she will still like thee when she comes back to life, but better not put too much of that into sex for rejection is a terrible thing.

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**R&R! **


	10. Chapter 10: Jeigans

Disclaimer: I don't own FE and whatever.

IMMA BACK. For those that don't get 'Jeigan', think Marcus. Or Seth, even. Or the original Jeigan from FE 1 himself, if you've played the game.

**10 COMMANDMENTS OF BEING A 'JEIGAN'

* * *

**

**Thou art a paladin. Not any other class. PH34R TH3 M16TY PR3PR0M0T3 L4NC3!**

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Thine power shalt grow at a rate so insignificant that a snail moves faster than thine power shalt increase. Except Seth and Tiamat. They're cool. 

**

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Thou shalt only be used for meatshielding, rescuing, softening, etc, etc, until thou becomest obsolete and will be ordered to guard that** **wussy merchant.**

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Thou shalt be unfalteringly loyal to thine lord, no matter how badly she treats thee, no matter how many times she cheats on thee for her more badass brother. (Hi Seth) 

**

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Thou shalt fear no one...except maybe that freaky psycho wyvern knight that kicked thine ass at the beginning of the story. Of course, Seth's excuse was, "BUT HE LOOKED LIKE...like...OMG THE HORRORS!...IT'S MICHAEL JACKSON!"**

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Thou should be old. Old yet healthy enough to fight for TWO generations of wussies that will eventually carry swords that weigh three quarters as much as they do and PWN you. 

**

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Thou shalt only suck if thou have facial hair. And, guess what? Marcus has facial hair.**

* * *

If thine name is Sigurd, thou can go suckest thyself for not being cool enough to be in a game that doesn't have jeigans. 

**

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The original Jeigan shalt be disappointed if thou art in a Fire Emblem newer than Rekka No Ken, for thou shalt ruin the Jeigan name by having actually good growths and usefulness.**

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Thine name is Marcus.

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**R&R! ** OR SERRA WILL CORRUPT YOUR BABIES!  



	11. Chapter 11: Female Leads

Disclaimer: I don't own FE and whatever.

For this one, I'm not doing Celice because I haven't played FE4.

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THE 10 COMMANDMENTS OF FEMALE LEADS

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**

**Thou shalt always have a tutorial series of chapters with thee as the star to give those sexually-frustrated n00bs some time to gargle at thine features.**

* * *

Thou must use the 1337 sword. The one sword...TO RULE THEM ALL!

* * *

**Thou must wield a legendary giant sword that thou can'st even lift over thine shoulder because thou dost not have enough Con to wield it properly. (Sol Katti)**

* * *

Thine pairings must include: a person with a stick shoved up his ass, a member of nobility that looks like a bag with two sticks shoved up his ass, and someone that thou wish to stick thine sword up his ass.

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**If thine uncle is being an asshole, there's nothing like slicing him down with thine Mani Katti, Wo Dao style.**

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Most times, thine STR will worth be as much as Merlinus's.

* * *

**After thou art a Great Lord, thou can ride masterfully and flawlessly. And 'ride' has more than one meaning in this case.**

* * *

Unless thou art blind, thou may have noticed that thou hast a foreign bishounen stalker from the country that took over yours that can control dead people.

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**Thine words when thou hast learned to use a bow shall be: "_BOOM! HEADSHOT!_"**

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Thine best friend is either a pegasus knight that has a phobia of all of the male gender or a pegasus knight that cannot live through a day without steroids. (TANA IS GODLY)

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**R&R!**


	12. Chapter 12: Path of Radiance

Disclaimer: I don't own FE and whatever.

Note that if I said anything stupid about this game, it's because I've only played like...1/3 of it. However, it's a good game, and as for Lethe/Rethe, I'd hit it. But I'm not into beastiality, just so you know. Don't know what beastiality means, look it up.

**THE 10 COMMANDMENTS OF FIRE EMBLEM: PATH OF RADIANCE

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**

**When creating the game, thou shalt ignore the existence of all Fire Emblem traditions that actually made the game Fire Emblem. Like the main character NOT being a Lord at the beginning. GASP.**

* * *

Thou shalt program the game to have a female Seth (Tiamat/Titania) instead of a Jeigan so that, like the Sacred Stones, the main lead can hit it.

* * *

**Instead of 1 Athos, thou can chooseth 3 God-tier characters that shalt clear the field in one turn if need be.**

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Thou shalt no longer ever see any character worth being ridiculed, ditched, thrown dung at, or sat on BECAUSE NOBODY SUCKS IN THIS GAME! NOT EVEN PREPROMOTES!

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**Thou shalt remember the names of everybody thou begst for food from otherwise next time, it shalt be rat poison.**

* * *

Thou shalt have human transformers. TRANSFORMERS. LAGUZ IN DISGUISE. (gets shot)

* * *

**THERE IS NO DARK SIDE. HELP THE DARK SIDE ARRGH WE MUST SURVIVE ARRRGG. Dark magic is LSAKJFHFLAKJHJSKALDH even more outshined by anima.**

* * *

Like the Fire Emblem games of old, thine melee fighters shalt have magic and thine magicians shalt have strength. Thine magicians can use knives, and I believe the melee fighters need magic to use their 1337 kung fu skills and to perform the Hadoken.

* * *

**Thou shalt, for the first time ever, be able to use the generic pawn class, and actually pwn with her.**

* * *

For the first time ever in the history of the world, a yaoi pairing is openly suggested between a sword user and that androgynous magic person. (note the intense sarcasm)

* * *

Soren: I'm NOT androgynous...right? Ike? Right?

Ike: Uh...yeah...

Gatrie: (slap!) Hey there, sweet thing.

Soren: ...WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!...ELTHUNDER!

Lucius (FE7): I am no longer alone... (happy crying)

* * *

Kuro: Keep in mind that the author of this fic does not support yaoi. That said, he's going to ridicule Gundam Seed with another set of commandments.

Rau La Crueset: ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO USE.

* * *


	13. Chapter 13: Thieves

Disclaimer: I don't own FE and whatever.

I'm taking in requests for whatever to focus on now, simply cuz it's hard to find things to make fun of in these great games. OK, not really, but...

So...For now, I'm doing...

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**THE 10 COMMANDMENTS OF THIEVES/ ASSASSINS/ ROUGES

* * *

**

**Thou art Bolting/Purge/Eclipse/Ballista Fodder until thou hath gained the ability to promote...which doesn't come until the seventh game. Or if thine name is Sothe.**

* * *

If thine employer is a Sailor Moon wannabe of a princess, be prepared to find a new line of work quickly, only to lose that new job because that princess shall preach to thee.

* * *

**Thou must have an S-rank in The Ways of the Caring Inside Yet A Bastard Outside, otherwise thine character concept shalt fail.**

* * *

If thine archer friend is crying again, run away and never return, only to be found by her again and marry her after defeating a demonic entity that threatened the fate of the world with thine dinky little dagger.

* * *

**Thine physical strength shalt be equal to that of a Mage's. That's not very much.**

* * *

Thine face shalt always remain cheery even after seeing the corpse of thine lover, thine lover's murderer, and even through listening to the pink haired queen of terror talk about make-up and high heels. Because, hey, she could be thine future wife, so might as well get used to it, right?

* * *

**... (Thou shalt have the cheapest yet most useless skill ever...The dreaded yet useless RPG death skill)**

* * *

Pedophilia is only allowed if thou art a 1337 ninja assassin that speaks only in ... For thine sons shalt be 1337 ninja magicians.

* * *

**Swords too much for thine puny Con? No problem. Turn them into daggers so thy can wield them with ease.**

* * *

YOINK!

* * *

OK, that was more like 8 and 2 halves of a commandment, but, meh. 

**R&R!**


	14. Chapter 14: Perverts and Sain

Disclaimer: I don't own FE and whatever.

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**THE 10 COMMANDMENTS OF 'PERVERTED' FE CHARACTERS

* * *

**

**Thine actions make even the most patient of comrades very weary as soon as thy start to say a word that relates to the fairer sex.**

* * *

Having a religious background is the best way to hook up with the ladies, especially by tricking them into thinking that thou art actually holding a religious meeting.

* * *

**Thou disdaineth all books regarding how to pick up girls except thine own published copy that is even more popular than Wallace's book.**

* * *

Someday, thine boon companion may just give up on himself and ask thee for advice on getting girls, knowing full well that it has a ninety-nine percent chance of ruining his life.

* * *

**The girls thou chooseth must have at great skill with the 'lance' or the 'staff', whichever word works.**

* * *

Thine support options must include nothing but females and either thine boon companion, a fellow worker, or a mentor just to not be a total womanizer.

* * *

**Thou disdaineth anything that is not heroic or, secretly, referring to horniness. For example, a sword can never replace a lance, though the bandits might have something to say about that.**

* * *

Beware of whom thou flirteth with, for thou never know which one of them is married. Or thou shalt get charred by an Elfire of the grandest pain.

* * *

**Smooth? NOTHING is smoother than th33.**

* * *

Thine religious mask shalt be so good, all thou needeth do is to put on Japanese monk clothing, a cursed right hand, holy beads, a golden staff, and a hair band to be an exact clone of an anime character we all know and love.

* * *

Saul: There we go. Now if you'll excuse me...(GROPAGE) 

Dorothy: (SLAP!) HIRAIKOTSU!

Saul: WIND TUNNEL!

Roy: WIND SCAR!...but the sword shoots out fire.

* * *

And cuz Sain is so cool, here's some for him. OMG. 20 COMMANDMENTS. RLnaruhina, your request comes first because you requested first after ch. 13.

* * *

**THE 10 COMMANDMENTS OF SAIN

* * *

**

Thine universe must be willing to sacrifice tradition for thine existence. Why? Thou has the growth rates which are supposed to be thine boon companion's.

* * *

**Thine only male support option is thine boon companion, unfortunately for the Crimson Shield, as there is no one to share his pain with.**

* * *

Do some background research, or in simpler terms, stalking, of thine target before thou leapest for their hearts; that one might be a guy and the other might be married. Hey, it'll save thee from getting smote.

* * *

**A girl with a phobia of men? Nothing thy can't defeat. Thou shalt always enjoy nearly impossible challenges anyways. Just watch out for the sisters to avoid any possible pain.**

* * *

And as for the sisters, hey, they're beautiful too. Broaden thine horizons, if thou pleases.

* * *

**The Green Lance. Heh heh, lance. Get it? Lance, hard, long, pointy, Sain is horny...Get it...aww, forget it.**

* * *

Beware Sacaeans. Thou never know when that crazy brother of hers might slice thee open. Or when that other Sacaean girl will kick thine crotch for flirting. Or when that Sacaean dude who looks like a woman, but is obviously male because of his name, is going to do the same thing like the psycho Wo Dao'er.

* * *

**Thine pick up lines shall have as much quality as a 10 year old's, and they will be so bad that thine target might not even know thine true purpose although thou stresses it out so obviously to them.**

* * *

Thou must use thine insane flirting skills to woo ALL the women in camp that won't hurt thee. That might take a while, however, to find the ones that thou can flirt with without getting thine jewels broken.

* * *

**Thou must have the mentality of a totally hopeless and desperate man. Why? THOU EVEN FLIRTETH WITH THE DEMON TERROR QUEEN OF HELL...WELCOME TO THE DARK SIDE, SAIN.**

* * *

Next up in this order: 

Peg knights

Dancers

Hair color

**R&R! OR SERRA WILL MAKE THINE BABIES WORSHIP THE DARK SIDE THAT IS THE COLOR PINK!**


	15. Chapter 15: Pegasus Knights

Standard disclaimers apply

Order:

Dancers and Bards

Hair Color

Archers

Siblings

Facial Expressions

Magic Users

* * *

**THE 10 COMMANDMENTS OF PEGASUS KNIGHTS

* * *

**

**Thou shalt come in packages of three and only three; sisters are preferred for...family reasons.

* * *

**

It's amazing that thou art able to throw weapons that weigh three quarters thine own weight without spraining thine arm while keeping thine saddle rash under control.

* * *

**The choice is yours: give the Pegasus steroids, or turn it into steroids to give to thine bird-dino.

* * *

**

The only way to get rid of thine phobia of men is by raping some with a lance. Figuratively speaking. WELCOME TO THE DARK SIDE, FLORINA.

* * *

**The tomboy, the shy, the quiet, the one scared of men, the sugar high, the typical loyal knight, the perfect princess, the married one...the list of crazy traits go on and on.

* * *

**

Sex with a paladin is bad. Very bad. It makes thee and thine husband unable to stand up to poke by a baby.

* * *

**Thou shalt say things like what the Sailor Scouts would say before performing thine ultimate triangle attacks, just without the cheesy "love love" stuff, but with "I'll tear you apart and drink your blood" stuff.

* * *

**

Remember, having thine noble steed fall on the brother of the ruler of a powerful nation is a good thing. Side effects may include: him becoming thine husband, thine sister competing for his heart, or him eating thine steed after axing it literally.

* * *

**Said lord is also an idiot to pay 20000 G for said sister instead of 4000 G, and not asking for special services.

* * *

**

One thing to remember; if there are Pegasus nearby with genders opposite of thine steed, immediately leave the area with thine steed until thou art in a 2 km radius away from said Pegasus, or thine steed may never see battle again.

* * *

**R&R!**

Meh, I'll admit that Pegasus knights are so perfect, it's hard to make fun of them after not playing the games in some time. I'll probably do a remake of this later...In other news, I made a new fic on Wallace training the cavaliers and peg knights where Sain plays matchmaker. It's in Kent's POV, and is about how the poor guy leaves boot camp hell unscathed...or not.


	16. Chapter 16: Dancers and Bards

THIS FIC SHALL NOW BE UPDATED.

FOR GREAT JUSTICE.

ALL YOUR FIRE EMBLEM ARE BELONG TO ROY!

* * *

**THE 10 COMMANDMENTS OF DANCERS AND BARDS

* * *

**

**Thou shalt incite arena abusers to use the greatest glitch of all time that makes them invincible while they gaineth gazillions of gold while all thou needeth to do is press the A button every few seconds.**

* * *

Thine personalities shalt be so clichéd or thou shalt have almost no storyline significance whatsoever if thou art a dancer. Only the spoony ones will have actual cool personalities (An FF 4 joke, referring to THE SPOONY BARD)

* * *

**Thou shalt learn to rap in medieval language: Can'st toucheth this, na, nanana, nana, nana...On the second thought...just...no.**

* * *

Nils plays that flute like Ninian plays Eliwood.

* * *

**Beware if thine little brother is a Pupil. Thou shalt never know where he shalt be. He could be in some cult of dark magic, or thine underwear drawer. Formortiis knows he has a fetish for things like that.**

* * *

Winged Singer? No plastic surgery? No fake white skin, no high pitched feminine shrieks, no crotch grabbing, no insanely large number of nosejobs, AND NO PEDOPHILIA? Ladies and Gentleman, Reyson, the MJ of Tellius!

* * *

**Nils would like to say, "I'M RICK JAMES, BITCH!"**

* * *

See that big sword? See thine future boyfriend? DON'T APPROACH FOR POSSIBILITY OF EMO PWN4GE!

* * *

**Throwing thyself right in the hero's lap might not do much good, especially if the incredibly large competition were already...pursuing more daring ventures with him.**

* * *

The King of Soul of Elibe is a half-dragon boy that can play better soul music than James Brown. It actually revitalizes a person.

* * *

**R&R!**


	17. Chapter 17: Hair

Standard disclaimers apply.

Standard apologies for not updating in a while also apply.

* * *

**THE 10 COMMANDMENTS OF HAIR (because there wasn't enough stuff on color alone)

* * *

**

If thou art the main lord of the game, thine hair color must be blue or something close to it. Except if thou wieldeth a giant sword nearly half thine weight.

* * *

Thine siblings must have the same hair color. This serves as a guideline for non-FE players who want to write incest fanfics but have no idea who is related to whom.

* * *

If thine hair is any color other than brown, grey, or silver, thine ass kicking potential is comparable to Kid Gohan from DBZ.

* * *

Generic spiky, Greybeard, Sophisticated scholar; thou must choose a haircut that gives the male characters the most macho or bishie look possible with the selection, but NOBODY may look normal.

* * *

Priestess, Warrior Princess, Lolita; thou must choose a haircut that gives the female character the sluttiest look possible with the selection. Unless she's old or not in shape.

* * *

Thou may not changeth thine hair color in the middle of a losing battle to gold, for Akira Toriyama shalt be coming with a lawyer and a billion gold lawsuit for thee.

* * *

Thou must find many spray paint cans to color every single strand of hair on thine head and somehow not color anything else on it. Years of training and patience must come into play as well.

* * *

If thine hair is short, don't expect to have too much luck with the main lord over some long haired fellow female.

* * *

If thine hair makes thee look similar to any Tolkien character, thou must never mention this fact or thou shalt get Forblaze'd by Gollum.

* * *

Thou must respect all those with long hair. For most of the time, they are better than j00.

* * *

R&R! 


	18. Chapter 18: Archers and Innes

Standard disclaimers and apologies for not updating in a while apply.

Whew. Sorry for not updating in a while; school got in the way, and I'm learning how to play an acoustic guitar, so the previous and my new hobby are taking up my time.

* * *

**THE 10 COMMANDMENTS OF ARCHERS

* * *

**

**Thou must choose between the ability to groweth a horse from thine privates or the ability to overcompensate for something by means of a bigger weapon upon thine promotion.**

* * *

If thine name is Wolt, be prepared to have some trouble figuring out "Who's thine daddy?" (Raven or Wil, Raven or Wil...)

* * *

**Thou must remember that if thine childhood friend is an underaged Robin Hood wannabe, thou can take advantage of his weakness by crying a whole lot to get thyself lots of gold.**

* * *

In thine quest to escort a lecherous priest who talks to every single female at camp but thyself, be sure to give him a few good whacks now and then to remind him who is whose biatch.

* * *

**Thou must always attack from one square away from thine opponent in fear of them kicking thine ass with close range weapons while thou triest to aim. And for bragging rights when thou scoreth headshots.**

* * *

The concept of "Point-Blank Firing" was, is, and shalt always be unknown to thine kind.

* * *

**Thine arrow supply is unlimited, but the quality of thine bows is so low, that when any part breaks, everything breaks. Even if it was just the string!**

* * *

Thou art psychic. How else can thou shoot giant ballista bolts at single targets half a kilometer away with thine vision blocked by forests and a freaking cliff?

* * *

**Thine arrow supplies are magical, because they never run out and THEY GO THROUGH WALLS.**

* * *

Thine fighting methods are set, for thou knowest this: when thou whackest thine enemy with thine bow, the universe shall collapse.

* * *

**THE 10 COMMANDMENTS OF INNES**

By Innes

Innes is better than everyone. Yes, better than even Chuck Norris.

Innes is better than Ephraim.

Eirika is Innes's bi-otch.

Tana is Innes's secret, secondary, not-used-as-much biotch.

Innes is so good, he doesn't need to gain levels as an unpromoted archer.

Innes is badass.

Innes isn't snobby and he doesn't have a superiority complex. He's just superior.

Innes doesn't miss. Ever. If he does, it's because he saw Eirika. If he misses at any other time, his super sexy hair must have gotten in his eyes.

All your base are belong to Innes.

INNES IS BETTER THAN J00!

* * *

Ephraim: No he isn't. Shut up, pretty boy.

Innes: I won't, because I'm better than j0...

Ephraim: (Stabs Innes with Siegmund)

Innes: (IS SIEGMUND-NATED) Hurk...R...&...R...Y'all...

Chuck Norris: (Roundhouse Kicks Innes)

Innes: (IS ROUNDHOUSE KICKED BY CHUCK NORRIS) (That means he died with negative infinity health)

* * *


	19. Chapter 19: Siblings

Standard disclaimers apply.

Sorry for not updating in a while...I've been busy because of school stuff...

**THE 10 COMMANDMENTS OF SIBLINGS

* * *

**

If thou hath a brother, he is badass. If thou hath a sister, she is a tramp.

* * *

Thine hair color must be the same, if not, at least similar, to thine sibling's. Why? Two words. Incest fanfiction.

* * *

Thou must flee from overly creepy bad guys who appear to thee in the beginning of the game, for without thine brother's help, thou art no match for Michael Jackson and his mutated dragon.

* * *

If thou art a redhead, thou must be the overprotective brother that everyone hates because thou like to bash thy sword over everyone's heads for talking to thine sister.

* * *

If thou art a redhead, thou must always be prepared for an episode of Grand Theft Panties: Magvel.

* * *

If thou art the bloodthirsty brother of a woman who will marry an idiot, don't cut up the idiot. The laws of FE physics restrict thee from attacking thine teammates. Unless thou has told the redhead's sister to berserk thee on purpose.

* * *

If thou art said bloodthirsty brother, thine l33t Wo Dao slashing skills will skyrocket overtime, but thine stabbing skills shall become extinct. For thou cannot stab with WoDaos.

* * *

The only "sibling rivalry" is which brother/sister can get more women/men in the shortest amount of time at camp in between battles.

* * *

In a sibling quarrel, thou shalt always lose to thine brother because he always threatens to go "BOOM! HEADSHOT!" on thine Pegasus.

* * *

In almost EVERY dimension, there shalt always be Pegasus knight sisters. Just watch out for the underleveled, trampy, or useless-because-she-is-married-to-Zealot ones.

* * *

All's fair in love and war, so make sure to get the good and gentleman-like cavalier (though he is a total hardass) instead of the perverted one before one of thine sisters do.

* * *


End file.
